Updated: Aug 30, 2020
“The best thing you could do is master the chaos in you. You are not thrown into the fire, you are the fire.”- Mama Indigo
Day: A regular hopeless day
Everyone is sleeping. The night is as silent as the grave. Feeling hopeless. The artificial breeze from the fan is providing temporary relief but my heart is becoming heavy every minute. It's also becoming hard to take the fresh air in. Everything seems to be as hard as hell.
I am not getting sleep, 100's of thoughts running in. Which should I follow?
Why is this happening to me?
What's going wrong with me?
Should I quit?
I think Rahul is working better than me?
My friends are almost done with the work, why am I not up to the mark?
No, it isn't like that. I am here to love you. Don't compare yourself with someone else.
Talk to me. Why isn't that you've stopped listening to me? Why do you want to quit? You are here to show the world what you are? Isn't that you who said," I want to be an adventurer in my life?" Life is beautiful, wouldn't you want to enjoy your life? You can do it. Come onn..
Don't think like that.
I don't think I can move forward anymore. I am feeling suicidal. I don't want to live in this world. I am unable to focus on my work. I feel like someone else is also there in me, apart from you and me. I am unable to forget my past. The pressure about my future is increasing. I want to listen to you but I don't exactly know why I am unable to keep up my words. This is how I am feeling exactly right now.
Look, this is what I have been doing from the past half an hour. I want to die, but I don't want to die.